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My other half has a friend who is invited to our home but without prior knowledge to myself. I do not mind people coming to our home, but the thing is I cannot stand this particular person. To be totally honest I totally despise them. The person has a "looking from an ivory tower" perspective - ie their own ivory tower....
I find them totally enveloped with themselves, self-important, egotistical, bordering on being sciopathic and full of loathing for others whom seem to object to their "ways and means" (ie - not agree with what they may say), even when they are in someone's home, ie my home and in front of our children. Apart from finding this annoying, i find it quite insulting and disrespectful. I find them also intrusive as they ask about what am i like with other persons, going away visiting, etc. As i said intrusive.....My partner just seems to “go with it" as they like them. I get the impression that my wishes are not being respected, i am being toyed with and manipulated and when they see this, comments are made but never to my face. I feel as I just want to go out for a while but that defeats the purpose and why should i do this in my own home?!
I have told my partner that i do not want them around anymore, but feel that this will fall on "selectivly" deaf ears and as I have mentioned, my wishes are not being respected. I am being pushed to my limit, here. This person is most probably frustrated in their own life (i hear all about their own complaints and problems,nit that i care nor want to hear about them) and seek a form distraction.....Any ideas before i really reach my "threshold"... :(
TIA as always....


I have a friend that seems similar, almost everyone seems to despise them , but their annoying qualities I just find harmless and amusing - and I click with their sense of humour

You hate the person, that's normal. But keep it under control. It's not the 1950's anymore where you can "bar" your other half from seeing their friends, there can be serious social and relationship consequences from acting like a perturbed child

Just be honest with your partner, their friend drives you spare, and when this friend comes over, great, use the time for yourself.. play with your kids.. get out the golf clubs.. go to something you want. Not a bad arrangement if you ask me.

Jun 25, 2015 12:24

"I get the impression that my wishes are not being respected".

I get the impression that your partner's wishes are not being respected.

You are in a no win situation - one of you has to 'win' and, by definition, the other has to lose. All you can do is to try to achieve a solution that doesn't end with one of you feeling bitterly resentful at having 'lost' with all the baggage that that might bring for the future of the relationship.
Your partner must be aware of the depth of your feelings so, perhaps, suggest that future meetings are not at your home.
However, the bottom line is that you cannot - or, at least, SHOULD not - feel that you have the right to dictate whom your partner sees as a friend.

Jun 25, 2015 13:50

I think many of us have to deal with people like that. Unfortunately, a family member got married to a person such as the one you described so now in family events I have to encounter this person. It used to really annoy me but now I decided to have fun with it by saying the most outrageous things I can think of that would shut this person up. Now this person quickly avoids me as I'm seen as somebody who is 'nonsensical.' win win situation...i can go to the family gatherings, be civil, but yet, not be stuck with this person for a while. You should look at the encounter as a day to have silly fun. Just stop being so bitter about it cause you're the only one that will suffer from this. I mean, being upset about it is not doing you any favors so change perspectives. is not so hard! :D

Jun 25, 2015 20:14

Can you not just go out when they arrive? Your partner knows your feelings and will understand why. I appreciate this would be difficult at, say, 10 in the evening.

Go to bed/to your room if they show up out of the blue and watch telly?

Perhaps if this other person gets the message that you don't like them then they won't come around. They can just meet up with your partner elsewhere.

Above all, keep talking to your other half, let them realise exactly why you feel this way. Hopefully they'll respect your feelings and sort something out.

You can't choose your partner's (or your kids') friends, but hopefully this is just one particular person and you can find a compromise.

Jun 26, 2015 06:18

I think what your most annoyed at is your partners lack of respect for your feelings not this persons personally.
I'd suggest before they invite this mate again ask them to sit and talk to you do it when you're both calm. Maybe something's you do annoy them too.
Have an open and honest discussion and see if you can find a compromise maybe they meet their friend at their place not yours maybe they go to the movies with them sometimes. Occasionally you allow this person in.
I have to also say quite often when we have a dislike for a person that runs this deep it's because deep down we think we are also a bit like that. So maybe look at what it really is you don't like about them and find a way to find it endearing. as JBmac suggests have fun with them at their expense. Go along with them oh really how fascinating....
Also have you tried talking to this other person and say you know my partner likes inviting you round but personally I find it difficult when you say or do xyz... Maybe they don't realise that you see them this way.

Jun 27, 2015 12:07

I think you should not be expected to be disrespected. As the first reply say its not the 1950s and you cannot bar your partner from certain friends as you acknowledge in your post, however, you should not be disrespected in your home by a guest. I would advise that you, in a cool and calm manner that you feel that this person is being disrespectful - to them directly. I think its silly to 'play golf' etc - it just ignores the problem and of course annoys you because you can not feel comfortable in their own home. Be prepared that when you do confront them that that person and perhaps your partner may think your over reacting and say thats just the way the person is but one should never be made to feel uncomfortable in their own home and if they make you feel that way you should make it clear to them why this is. Would you expect your partner to accept being disrespected in their home - furthermore would you allow any of your friends to act in such a way?

Jun 29, 2015 09:48